Up north. Not north Kansas City, not even corn country Iowa. Getting a little warmer – wrong turn of phrase – colder. I mean north in the land of Sasquatch. Up north there is a comedian I would like to meet. His name is Rob Ford.

I’m heading north because of Rob Ford. I have never been much interested in what lies north of America, north of the United States. I mean all I ever cared for was the musical exports and professional wrestling experts that came from Canada. To my tropical mind, Canada is the same as Siberia.

I have barely managed to survive winters here in Kansas City so when I heard that in the land of Sasquatch people complain about feet of snow, not inches, that really sealed the deal. I was never ever going to Canada. But recently, Rob Ford has changed that.

It is too cold to do anything in Canada if you ask me. Yet, Rob Ford has been bombarding our airwaves with news from Toronto. Canadians are all supposed to be mild mannered Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent types without the Superman alter ego. With Canadians, what you see is what you get. The air in Canada is clean. Plus they’ve got good health insurance.

So whatever mental breakdown that my man Rob is experiencing must be the high quality product he is getting. I mean something that turns a Clark Kent into Wolverine must be that good.

My man Rob has managed to be crazy and still stay in Canada. I would like to know who his supplier is. It must be pure stuff, 100 percent grade. The only thing a mayor is supposed to take.

Canada has given the world a lot of things. Michael J Fox, Captain Kirk, William Shatner, Shania Twain, Avril Lavigne, Alex Trebek; all Canadian. A lot of the world’s problems can also be blamed on Canadians. The list is much shorter but the pain much greater. Justin Bieber.

Rob Ford is doing something great for Canada. He is showing that even with the clean air and perfect health insurance available in Canada – it is absolutely possible in our lifetime for a Canadian to go crazy. Possibly at this time, everywhere mob bosses from Moscow to Mumbai are sending their experts to Canada. If Rob Ford’s stuff can be nabbed, it is highly possibly to do some reverse engineering. We will have the good stuff. High quality merchandise won’t just be a myth that the folks who made “Breaking Bad” concocted to torture us. Rob Ford must be the first person in the Western world to achieve Nirvana through crack.

I mean all the greats have always been searching for it. Steve Jobs was in India, “Looking for something”. He never really got anything out of it except apples, iPhones and iPods.

 The Beetles were in India. They must have inhaled and drank stuff. But I think they truly never got it. It is not surprising that John Lennon died that young. Paul McCartney may have got a better whiff. But still, I don’t think he really got. I will tell you though I think Rob has found it. The sought after treasure, the thing that all addicts have been looking and searching for millennia – the perfect high. How he did it? That is a question only his supplier can answer.

We can only but speculate. But I highly suspect we might have already made first contact. Since no one has come forward to claim the product as theirs. I mean can you imagine the spike that would show in the next quarterly earnings by saying these words, “I gave the Mayor of Toronto a high.” I believe no one is asinine enough on earth to let these profits go just like that. I defer to Sherlock Holmes in times of crisis like this. It is the great detective himself who once said, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

My man Rob got the good stuff from an alien. It is the only logical explanation.

I suspect the foul mouth tirade that Rob Ford has been subjecting us all to must be due to the enlightenment he got. Rob simply operates now on a higher plane. We are but mere mortals. He does not understand why we question his motives. The apologies that came later were a way to keep a low profile. The aliens don’t want us knowing the mother ship is coming.