The world was boring this week. It was one of those times that rarely happens: a slow news week. Angela Merkel’s pissed off at President Barack Obama for tapping her phone, not really news. Obama spies on all of us, so welcome to the club, Angie.
So, there was no better time than this past week than to do something I have been meaning to do for a longtime. I finally decided to carry out what would certainly go down as one of the grand experiments of our time. I watched episode one of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”
Observing animals in their natural habitat has always been a passion of mine. So you can imagine my difficulties. The concrete jungle of Kansas City is a far cry from the jungles of Africa. Luckily, that great invention of man, Netflix has been able to alleviate this longing for the primitive that I have. Because of Netflix I may very well be on course to finish British naturalist David Attenborough’s “Life” series. Like Attenborough, I enjoy being in the thick of things. Whether it is observing the mating habits of whales in the oceans or sitting with meerkats in the deserts. When Netflix recently added “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, it was an opportunity I could not pass up.
Despite my better judgment and Netflix giving it a two and one-half stars – nothing is worth watching on my Netflix if it is less than a three and I don’t really watch anything other than four stars – I owe the Kardashians something.
I have a friend that I miss terribly. He left Park to go back to his home country. Mo and I had gossip sessions and he was very much into celebrity culture. He kept not just with the Kardashians but with Paris Hilton, Lana del Rey and Rihanna. Everyone. One of our favorite past times was to go through his many latest copies of “People” and “Us Weekly” in his room. And the Kardashians have been useful when it comes to the useful art of small talk. I met another great friend Kary this year in Pittsburg because we bonded on all things Kardashian. Yes, a guy from Kenya and a girl from Mexico having the Kardashians as a bridging gap.
I decided to start keeping up with the Kardashians because I believe a systematic study on them has never been done. The wonderful thing about DNA is that, not only does it copy information exactly but once in a while there are errors, anomalies that can have enormous import for the evolutionary tree. Somewhere out in Carlifornia, Homo sapiens are taking the next step. A better species is emerging, more fashion conscious, more beautiful and certainly far more appealing to watch, Homo sapiens Kardashianisis.
The type specimen for Homo sapiens Kardashianisis is Kimberly Noel Kardashian. Kim K. as she appears in my field notebook is the ultimate in female sophistication. She has an ample bosom and let me just say, John Grisham would describe her rear end as traffic stopping.
The species is certainly unique. It exhibits a matriarchal system. There is a female Kris Jenner that normally plays the role of the alpha in the group. Bruce Jenner has been relegated to the periphery. It does not mean the males of the species are sissies, far from it. The females of this species prefer what are actually alpha males in our species. So the alpha female Kris married Bruce Jenner, a 1976 summer decathlon winner. Kim K. has been married to basketball star Kris Humphries and she is about to wed Kanye West.
Homo sapiens Kardashianisis has a vibrant future. Richard Dawkins introduced us to the notion of “The Selfish Gene.” Dawkins hypothesis states that a gene does everything to ensure its survival and reproduction. The mating habits of Kim K. are well documented. The gene not only ensures it survival physically but also culturally. It has a capacity to make itself the center of the universe like a meme. Hence the spin offs TV shows, “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” and “Kourtney and Kim Take Miami” and “Khloe and Lamar.”
Though the head shape remains the same as our species, I believe an MRI will reveal that the prefrontal cortex of the Kardashian brain is decreasing. No great works of literature or scientific accomplishments are expected from the species. Still this does not seem to have caused it any great disadvantage. I believe it is the future of humanity and therefore worth documenting.
What you have read is the beginnings of a comprehensive taxonomic treatment of the species, a species account. I will be presenting my findings in this column every slow news week or as long as the editor lets me get away with it.
