When I think of the holidays, I imagine a wonderful world full of candy canes, ornaments, family, turkey and very unattractive, oversized yet comfortable sweatpants. The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and relationships but the reality is that holidays always turn out better in my over-imaginative mind than in real life.
Many of my family holidays end up including family fights over when to hand out presents and giving my grandma the Heimlich when she chokes on runny mashed potatoes. No matter which holiday, they always turn out a little less magical.
Handing out candy and getting to gush over cute costumes is my favorite part of Halloween. Children dress up as princesses, firemen, power rangers and ballerinas so they can prance around the neighborhood and convince strangers to give them sweet treats that will surely add to our countries obesity rate. What happens when trick-or-treaters come to my house?
First off within the last three years, I have had a total of 20 trick-or-treaters. My night mostly consists of acquiring injuries from jumping three feet in the air when the doorbell rings during my scary movie. When I finally get a handful of candy hoarders at my door they are dressed as Lil’ Wayne, Nicki Minaj and a kid in Spiderman footie pajamas. I’m not sure how costumes evolved from scary witches to rappers and cop-out footie pajamas that kids wear for their bedtime stories.
Then there is the holiday that everyone with a dysfunctional family hates – Thanksgiving. When you put a large amount of people into one room for a meal that takes all day to prepare, there are bound to be problems. Everyone in my family believes they are God’s gift to earth when it comes to cooking. If one person believes another is cooking wrong, the kitchen turns into a battle zone for World War III.
I on the other hand can only cook grilled cheese sandwiches and somehow manage to stay out of the kitchen on Thanksgiving. This holiday is supposed to be about laughter, food, memories and thankfulness. For my family, it is apparently the best day of the year to see how many people you can banter with in 12 hours.
Christmas should be the most joyful holiday of all, complete with sugar cookies and ugly hand knitted stockings made by Grandma. Gifts are not the highlight of Christmas but certainly one of the most fun moments. My family has a tendency to give the worst presents. I have received a plastic purse at 17 years old, a duck whistle and a shaving kit. Apparently my family thinks I need to attract a mate and shave my armpits more. Regardless, these gifts should have been given to a four-year-old, a hunter and a man with Austin Powers’ body hair.
Holidays never turn out how we expect them to. We wait all year for those few magic moments that always leave something to be desired. Whether you are avoiding the kitchen during Thanksgiving or putting a fake smile on when someone gifts you with a samurai sword just remember there is always hope for next year.
